Changes

In 2weeks time I willing attending a seminar to help me overcome/deal with any issues that are holding me back...any issues that maybe causing me to live my life In the wrong way...maybe these issues are the cause of my weight issues??? I have no idea....on the surface I am seen as a. Very vibrant, secure. Woman....inside I feel small and weak....I can't blame my parents...had a great childhood....was it my friends growing up? I don't know..how about my first 2marriages....as I think more about it I feel like its this little green man on my shoulder telling me horrible things...but how do you stop him from speaking...how do I once and for all get him to leave and stop all the negative talk....logically inside I know I am strong, colorful, independent and sexy but I am terrified to act on any of it...I look at page after page of plus size beauties and compare myself to each on.."my belly is way bigger, my boobs droop to much, my ass is too big, how can they

Ok that amazing...why can't I look that great...may e then the passion will come back?" I see some women who are the same size as me, with the same rolls and curves and boobs...I look at them and think about how beautiful they look...when I see one picture of me with the slightest roll I cringe and delete it..I wish my husband would want to take some pictures of me naked...pose me how he would like to see me...but he won't. So back to the drawing board...how do I make myself love me again....will this seminar help? Can anybody? I am having such a hard time getting back to the gym...last year I went all the time but I did not see any significant changes..a year working out and I only lost 20 inches combined from head to toe...clothing size only went down 1size that is it...what the hell am I doing wrong..I feel so alone I can't even express it...I thought by putting it out there In blog world maybe this would help....I should stop...I sound pretty sad...I guess cause I am...I am sorry for this....maybe tomorrow will be a better day?